Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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