Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
