4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
