Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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