Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
