You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i dont even know how to be here
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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