and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
