1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
