you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
