I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
