Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
please come you make the beer taste better
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
