Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
