Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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