I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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