i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
