Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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