mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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