Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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