yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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