we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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