I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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