I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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