I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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