I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
