i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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