and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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