If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
