I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
