You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
