He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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