Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I think your dad took our porno
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
