my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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