found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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