i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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