Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You made out with two different species that night
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
