my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
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