Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
