I checked into jail on foursquare
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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