The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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