genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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