He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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