Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
