You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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