Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
