should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
