omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
