I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
