I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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