Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
