my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
