so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Randomize
