You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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