hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
