90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
